I'm an idol worshipper

I'm looking at the title of my post and I want to puke.....seriously.  I've just spent the last 30 minutes reading through my past posts (and realized it's been almost one year since my last post- oops), specifically the ones about wanting to be pregnant.  I'm so very thankful God has answered my prayers and given us Asher- which means "blessed" or "happy".  How he has blessed our lives!  I love him so much.  

I prayed for so long that God would open my womb so we could start our family.  I

wanted a family- badly!  I wanted to be a mommy- badly!  I wanted to change diapers, wipe snotty noses, and run off little sleep- badly!  God gave me what I wanted; a baby, a family and it's been awesome.  However, Asher, our little family, functioning off little sleep has still left me wanting; to a degree, empty.  

Long story short, God has been revealing to me that I have worshipped the idol of family.  I've taken a good thing and made it into a god thing and bowed down to it.  As I prepare for what God seemingly has planned for us, I continue to find myself bowing to the "what I think our family should look like" idol and walking away for my worship session empty, afraid, angry, worried, and anxious.    

Father, 
"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me." 
Ps. 51:10

Hello Again!

Wow!  It's been a long time since my last post.  I've thought about posting, a lot actually. But, honestly, I've been lazy and haven't taken the time to do it.  So, here we go......again!

I've been reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young as part of my time with Jesus. (If you're looking for something to aide in your time with the Lord, I'd highly recommend this devo!)  Much of what is encouraged is resting in and enjoying God's Presence.  Sounds easy, right?  Don't we "rest" in His Presence all the time?  Nope, at least not me.  So often I am stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, fearful, etc. with life--daily life most of the time.  As I've thought about this idea of "resting in God's Presence" I've come to realize  I am missing out on so much of the abundant life God has for me.  When I choose anxiety over trust, I am cheating myself.  When I choose fear over faith, I am cheating myself.  When I choose control over surrender, I am cheating myself.  That does not sound like I am "resting in God's Presence", does it?  The first step towards grow is acknowledging where we fall short, correct?  Well, my name is Chelsea and I struggle--sometimes fighting against--the privilege of resting in God's Presence.  Honestly, I'm just now beginning to realize what that means AND desiring it for my life.

What about you?  Are you entering into this invitation from God?  Or, like myself, offering lip service only?

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that [YOU] MAY HAVE LIFE, and have it TO THE FULL." John 10:10   

Two Years Later.....

As I'm sitting in my comfy clothes watching "How I Met Your Mother" it hits me--hard. Tomorrow marks two years that we've been trying to get pregnant. And we continue to try, trusting God to bless us with a child. I know there are hundreds of women who have waited longer than two years and I'm not trying to make light of their wait by spotlighting our struggle. My heart aches for anyone who struggles to conceive a child. It's a painful journey to be on. The tension that exists when a friend calls or I see yet another FB post that says, "I'm pregnant!" is difficult to navigate. I rejoice with her. I am happy for her. I "like" her status. Then, I cry asking God, "How much longer will we wait?" I trust God's timing is best. I know His plan is better than mine. But, some days it's just hard. Some days the fear is overwhelming, frightening. Some days it takes everything in me to remain in the room when children, pregnancy, or motherhood is discussed.

Two years later. I continue to wait, continue to trust, continue to believe that God's plan is best--even when I don't understand.

So, I prepare for tomorrow. Whatever that means; however that looks. I am thankful for much, yet longing still.

".....always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Eph. 5:20)

THANKSgiving

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."Ps. 107:1


For these and many others, I say, "Thank-you, Jesus"


Blessing #1: Jesus' death and resurrection which has given me life and freedom
Blessing #2: My loving, patient, funny, strong, honest, forgiving, coffee-loving, book-reading, networker extraordinaire, amazing husband, Lee Bickerstaff
Blessing #3: Family (even when my patience is hanging on by a thread I still love them and wouldn't trade them for any other family)
Blessing #4: Friends (I couldn't ask for better)
Blessing #5: The best job E.V.E.R.
Blessing #6: Ministry partners....THANK-YOU so very much! 
Blessing #7: I hate being sick, but I don't have to deal with that often. I'm very thankful for my health
Blessing #8: A good palate, which I'm especially grateful for when drinking coffee and wine 
Blessing #9: My growing appreciation for books
Blessing #10: Food (which I have plenty of and enjoy often)

Surrendering My Selfish Heart

I can't sleep (Yes, it's only 930p, but that usually doesn't interfere with drifting off to dreamland).  Tonight is different.  Tonight I'm battling against what my flesh wants and what God wants.  It's one of those I-want-to-cry-because-I'm-clinging-to-what-my-flesh-wants-and-I'm-fighting-to-hold-onto-it battles.  Have you experienced this lately?  The sometimes painful road to becoming more like Jesus.  There are days when the road is easy.  Today is not one of those days.  Today it hurts.  Today, Jesus is calling me to be selfless, but I'm adamantly fighting to be selfish.

As thoughts run through my head, the Holy Spirit is screaming (yes, screaming because I'm not hearing His whispers today) Phillipians 2:3-4, "Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."

Uggg.  Even when I feel misunderstood? Yes. Jesus was misunderstood, yet He remained humble....."unto death, even death on the cross."

I need Your help Jesus.  I want more of the Holy Spirit to be evident in my life, but I'm operating from my own strength.  I'm weary.  Begin Your work in me.  Set me free from my selfish heart.      

Enthralled

"The King is enthralled by your beauty...." (Ps. 45:11).


 Even when I'm at my worse--hormonal, crabby, emotional, selfish--the King is enthralled by me.  Does He want the condition of my heart to change?  Yes, but His view of me is not hinged on my behavior.  I am beautiful to Him, period.

I come to the throne of my King vulnerable, broken, surrendered.  I choose to believe, even when I don't feel it, that I am beautiful to Him.  I honor Him for all He's done for me.  I follow His call in obedience because of the love relationship I have with Him.  I find freedom from pretending, freedom from seeking, freedom to be who He created me to be.        

Do you think you're beautiful?  Do you believe and live like the King of the universe is enthralled by you?  

Strong Anchor

Chaos.  Waiting.  Craziness.  Uncertainty.  These words only begin to scratch the surface of my life recently.  These aren't necessarily all bad or difficult.  Sometimes the wait is exciting.  Sometimes the chaos is refreshing.  Sometimes the uncertainty causes butterflies in my stomach, much like a first date.  Sometimes none of that is true and the chaos, the wait, the craziness, the uncertainty, well, it just sucks.  Rather than safety and security, life can be shaky, unreliable, painful, and dangerous.

THEN.....my eyes lock on Jesus.  My anchor.  My refuge.  My stability.  My security.  When life is whirling around me with no plans to stop or slow down, I find rest in Christ.  I catch my breath in the safety of His arms.  His grace strengthens me.  His love sustains me.  His words nourish my tired heart.  His tears bring comfort when I long for someone to feel with me.

This verse was a breath of fresh air for me today: "Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.  This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.  It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary.  Jesus has already gone in there for us.  He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek." (Heb. 6:18-20)

I am so thankful Jesus is a strong and a trustworthy anchor when I am weak and tossed about in this journey called life.

     

Giving It All

Yesterday I was able to spend some time with Lord, which was much needed as Lee and I were not getting along.  Although, to be honest, I wasn't expecting much out of my time with Jesus.  My heart was not teachable and I was rehearsing in my head what I still wanted to communicate to Lee regarding our morning "discussion."  While I half-heartedly read through my reading plan, this is what the Lord had for me: Luke 21, The Widow's Offering.

While this addresses the issue of giving (financially) something different, something more convicting, something I really needed to hear, was heavily laid on my heart.  Jesus said, "this poor widow has given more than all the rest of them.  For they have given a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she has."  Without a doubt, I had given "everything I had" when it came to voicing my thoughts, stating my opinions, defiantly choosing what I would or would not do, and making demands of Lee.  I succeed at walking in the flesh.  Grade: A++

Did I empty myself of grace? No. Love? No. Compassion? No. Forgiveness? No.  I wanted my needs me before I gave anything in return.  Unlike the widow who gave everything, laying her needs aside and trusting that God would provide, I chose selfishness.  I chose me.  Above Lee, but ultimately above God.

Once again, I find myself at the feet of my all-forgiving, totally gracious, never stop loving me Savior, pleading for His help.  Asking for more of the Spirt to be evident in my life.  Fighting for freedom.


    

Reflections.....

Some of the many reasons why I love college students:

1) They will do, go, say and sign up for anything (well, almost) to get free food.
2) Freshmen dress up the first couple days, but, later in the week they are wearing comfy clothes to class.
3) They desire to engage with people who will hear them out.
4) They're willing to take risks.
5) They want to change the world and they're crazy enough to do it.
6) They love, love, love wings (especially free wings).
7) Watching and eavesdropping on the flirting that goes on between guys and girls (sometimes I'm embarrassed by the conversation and the lame pick-up lines).
8) Mac & Cheese, ramen noodles, and coffee--staples in their diet.
9) They are searching for meaning and significance. They are searching for Jesus and I have the opportunity to introduce them to Him.
10) This week I've been asked, "How are your classes going?" and "Are you a freshmen?"  Thank-you for making me feel so much younger than I am!

College students are awesome!

Perfect Planner

Plans for My Life:
(1) Graduate high-school: check
(2) Graduate college: check
(3) Married by the age of 25: check
(4) Own a house by the age of 27: nope, not yet
(5) First child by the age of 27: nope, not yet
(6) Proud pet owner-preferably a maltipoo: nope, not yet
(7) Live in a weather-all-year-round state: nope, not yet

Wait a second, four of my seven (oh, and I have more) life plans have yet to happen. For a control freak like me, this is cause for anxiety, worry, and "God doesn't know what He's doing, so let me take over and 'force' this to happen" moments of panic.

Then I read Proverbs 16:9, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Or, how about Proverbs 16:33, "We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."  

Comforting? Yes. And no, not always. I like being in control. I like when plans go MY way. So, where does that leave me? Either I stress out, develop an ulcer, and gain 5 pounds because I find comfort eating yummy chocolate ice cream. Or I surrender my plans to the Perfect Planner, rest in Him, and enjoy how the dice land.

It's such an obvious choice, yet one that I struggle to make everyday.