Surrendering My Selfish Heart

I can't sleep (Yes, it's only 930p, but that usually doesn't interfere with drifting off to dreamland).  Tonight is different.  Tonight I'm battling against what my flesh wants and what God wants.  It's one of those I-want-to-cry-because-I'm-clinging-to-what-my-flesh-wants-and-I'm-fighting-to-hold-onto-it battles.  Have you experienced this lately?  The sometimes painful road to becoming more like Jesus.  There are days when the road is easy.  Today is not one of those days.  Today it hurts.  Today, Jesus is calling me to be selfless, but I'm adamantly fighting to be selfish.

As thoughts run through my head, the Holy Spirit is screaming (yes, screaming because I'm not hearing His whispers today) Phillipians 2:3-4, "Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too."

Uggg.  Even when I feel misunderstood? Yes. Jesus was misunderstood, yet He remained humble....."unto death, even death on the cross."

I need Your help Jesus.  I want more of the Holy Spirit to be evident in my life, but I'm operating from my own strength.  I'm weary.  Begin Your work in me.  Set me free from my selfish heart.      

Strong Anchor

Chaos.  Waiting.  Craziness.  Uncertainty.  These words only begin to scratch the surface of my life recently.  These aren't necessarily all bad or difficult.  Sometimes the wait is exciting.  Sometimes the chaos is refreshing.  Sometimes the uncertainty causes butterflies in my stomach, much like a first date.  Sometimes none of that is true and the chaos, the wait, the craziness, the uncertainty, well, it just sucks.  Rather than safety and security, life can be shaky, unreliable, painful, and dangerous.

THEN.....my eyes lock on Jesus.  My anchor.  My refuge.  My stability.  My security.  When life is whirling around me with no plans to stop or slow down, I find rest in Christ.  I catch my breath in the safety of His arms.  His grace strengthens me.  His love sustains me.  His words nourish my tired heart.  His tears bring comfort when I long for someone to feel with me.

This verse was a breath of fresh air for me today: "Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.  This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.  It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary.  Jesus has already gone in there for us.  He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek." (Heb. 6:18-20)

I am so thankful Jesus is a strong and a trustworthy anchor when I am weak and tossed about in this journey called life.

     

Giving It All

Yesterday I was able to spend some time with Lord, which was much needed as Lee and I were not getting along.  Although, to be honest, I wasn't expecting much out of my time with Jesus.  My heart was not teachable and I was rehearsing in my head what I still wanted to communicate to Lee regarding our morning "discussion."  While I half-heartedly read through my reading plan, this is what the Lord had for me: Luke 21, The Widow's Offering.

While this addresses the issue of giving (financially) something different, something more convicting, something I really needed to hear, was heavily laid on my heart.  Jesus said, "this poor widow has given more than all the rest of them.  For they have given a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she has."  Without a doubt, I had given "everything I had" when it came to voicing my thoughts, stating my opinions, defiantly choosing what I would or would not do, and making demands of Lee.  I succeed at walking in the flesh.  Grade: A++

Did I empty myself of grace? No. Love? No. Compassion? No. Forgiveness? No.  I wanted my needs me before I gave anything in return.  Unlike the widow who gave everything, laying her needs aside and trusting that God would provide, I chose selfishness.  I chose me.  Above Lee, but ultimately above God.

Once again, I find myself at the feet of my all-forgiving, totally gracious, never stop loving me Savior, pleading for His help.  Asking for more of the Spirt to be evident in my life.  Fighting for freedom.