Perfect Planner

Plans for My Life:
(1) Graduate high-school: check
(2) Graduate college: check
(3) Married by the age of 25: check
(4) Own a house by the age of 27: nope, not yet
(5) First child by the age of 27: nope, not yet
(6) Proud pet owner-preferably a maltipoo: nope, not yet
(7) Live in a weather-all-year-round state: nope, not yet

Wait a second, four of my seven (oh, and I have more) life plans have yet to happen. For a control freak like me, this is cause for anxiety, worry, and "God doesn't know what He's doing, so let me take over and 'force' this to happen" moments of panic.

Then I read Proverbs 16:9, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Or, how about Proverbs 16:33, "We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."  

Comforting? Yes. And no, not always. I like being in control. I like when plans go MY way. So, where does that leave me? Either I stress out, develop an ulcer, and gain 5 pounds because I find comfort eating yummy chocolate ice cream. Or I surrender my plans to the Perfect Planner, rest in Him, and enjoy how the dice land.

It's such an obvious choice, yet one that I struggle to make everyday.

Sweet Whispers; Loving Arms

Since I was a little girl, I've envisioned being a mother.  It's been one of the greatest desires of my heart, and yet, it's still only a desire, a longing.  

Lee and I have been trying to get pregnant since November of 2009.  Twenty-one months later, we are still trying.  This is the most difficult trial I have ever had to walk through.....ever. 

I had begun to lose hope that God hears my prayers.  I had begun to lose hope that God cares about this longing in my heart to be a mother, to have a family.  I had begun to lose hope that He sees my tears.  


But, today, God gave me a gift, a sweet reminder of the God I serve.

Parents find it very difficult, painful actually, to hold their baby while the pediatrician pokes them, numerous times, to administer life-saving vaccines.  But they do it.  Why?  Because it is best for their baby; it could save their life.

Today I felt like a baby looking up at my heavenly Father, crying, and asking Him, “Why are you doing this to me?  Don’t you see how painful this is?”  Gently, the Holy Spirit reminded me, “Yes, He does see how painful this is,but He is not withholding anything from you. He is doing what is in your best interest. Trust Him. He loves you.”

I felt God’s arms wrap around me even more tightly when He softly whispered, “It hurts me that you hurt so much.”  Like a parent, who is often crying with their baby, while the doctor administers painful shots; so is my heavenly Father.

Immediately, Hebrews 4:15-16 popped into my head: “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testing we do, yet He did not sin.  So, let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”

Each month God grieves with me; He cries with me.  I don’t serve a God void of emotions.  I am His child and He doesn’t enjoy seeing me in pain, but He also knows (better than I) what is best for me.  So, even though this chapter of my life is painful and I don’t understand what God has planned or why we aren’t getting pregnant, I am choosing to trust that God is good.  He is not withholding good things from me.  He sees my tears.  He knows my heart, my desires, and my longings.  He is doing what is best and, oh, how He loves me.