Strong Anchor

Chaos.  Waiting.  Craziness.  Uncertainty.  These words only begin to scratch the surface of my life recently.  These aren't necessarily all bad or difficult.  Sometimes the wait is exciting.  Sometimes the chaos is refreshing.  Sometimes the uncertainty causes butterflies in my stomach, much like a first date.  Sometimes none of that is true and the chaos, the wait, the craziness, the uncertainty, well, it just sucks.  Rather than safety and security, life can be shaky, unreliable, painful, and dangerous.

THEN.....my eyes lock on Jesus.  My anchor.  My refuge.  My stability.  My security.  When life is whirling around me with no plans to stop or slow down, I find rest in Christ.  I catch my breath in the safety of His arms.  His grace strengthens me.  His love sustains me.  His words nourish my tired heart.  His tears bring comfort when I long for someone to feel with me.

This verse was a breath of fresh air for me today: "Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.  This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.  It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary.  Jesus has already gone in there for us.  He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek." (Heb. 6:18-20)

I am so thankful Jesus is a strong and a trustworthy anchor when I am weak and tossed about in this journey called life.

     

Giving It All

Yesterday I was able to spend some time with Lord, which was much needed as Lee and I were not getting along.  Although, to be honest, I wasn't expecting much out of my time with Jesus.  My heart was not teachable and I was rehearsing in my head what I still wanted to communicate to Lee regarding our morning "discussion."  While I half-heartedly read through my reading plan, this is what the Lord had for me: Luke 21, The Widow's Offering.

While this addresses the issue of giving (financially) something different, something more convicting, something I really needed to hear, was heavily laid on my heart.  Jesus said, "this poor widow has given more than all the rest of them.  For they have given a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she has."  Without a doubt, I had given "everything I had" when it came to voicing my thoughts, stating my opinions, defiantly choosing what I would or would not do, and making demands of Lee.  I succeed at walking in the flesh.  Grade: A++

Did I empty myself of grace? No. Love? No. Compassion? No. Forgiveness? No.  I wanted my needs me before I gave anything in return.  Unlike the widow who gave everything, laying her needs aside and trusting that God would provide, I chose selfishness.  I chose me.  Above Lee, but ultimately above God.

Once again, I find myself at the feet of my all-forgiving, totally gracious, never stop loving me Savior, pleading for His help.  Asking for more of the Spirt to be evident in my life.  Fighting for freedom.


    

Perfect Planner

Plans for My Life:
(1) Graduate high-school: check
(2) Graduate college: check
(3) Married by the age of 25: check
(4) Own a house by the age of 27: nope, not yet
(5) First child by the age of 27: nope, not yet
(6) Proud pet owner-preferably a maltipoo: nope, not yet
(7) Live in a weather-all-year-round state: nope, not yet

Wait a second, four of my seven (oh, and I have more) life plans have yet to happen. For a control freak like me, this is cause for anxiety, worry, and "God doesn't know what He's doing, so let me take over and 'force' this to happen" moments of panic.

Then I read Proverbs 16:9, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Or, how about Proverbs 16:33, "We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."  

Comforting? Yes. And no, not always. I like being in control. I like when plans go MY way. So, where does that leave me? Either I stress out, develop an ulcer, and gain 5 pounds because I find comfort eating yummy chocolate ice cream. Or I surrender my plans to the Perfect Planner, rest in Him, and enjoy how the dice land.

It's such an obvious choice, yet one that I struggle to make everyday.

Sweet Whispers; Loving Arms

Since I was a little girl, I've envisioned being a mother.  It's been one of the greatest desires of my heart, and yet, it's still only a desire, a longing.  

Lee and I have been trying to get pregnant since November of 2009.  Twenty-one months later, we are still trying.  This is the most difficult trial I have ever had to walk through.....ever. 

I had begun to lose hope that God hears my prayers.  I had begun to lose hope that God cares about this longing in my heart to be a mother, to have a family.  I had begun to lose hope that He sees my tears.  


But, today, God gave me a gift, a sweet reminder of the God I serve.

Parents find it very difficult, painful actually, to hold their baby while the pediatrician pokes them, numerous times, to administer life-saving vaccines.  But they do it.  Why?  Because it is best for their baby; it could save their life.

Today I felt like a baby looking up at my heavenly Father, crying, and asking Him, “Why are you doing this to me?  Don’t you see how painful this is?”  Gently, the Holy Spirit reminded me, “Yes, He does see how painful this is,but He is not withholding anything from you. He is doing what is in your best interest. Trust Him. He loves you.”

I felt God’s arms wrap around me even more tightly when He softly whispered, “It hurts me that you hurt so much.”  Like a parent, who is often crying with their baby, while the doctor administers painful shots; so is my heavenly Father.

Immediately, Hebrews 4:15-16 popped into my head: “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testing we do, yet He did not sin.  So, let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”

Each month God grieves with me; He cries with me.  I don’t serve a God void of emotions.  I am His child and He doesn’t enjoy seeing me in pain, but He also knows (better than I) what is best for me.  So, even though this chapter of my life is painful and I don’t understand what God has planned or why we aren’t getting pregnant, I am choosing to trust that God is good.  He is not withholding good things from me.  He sees my tears.  He knows my heart, my desires, and my longings.  He is doing what is best and, oh, how He loves me.